The birth of trust and the death of fear

That afternoon, sitting in his office again for yet another blown out of proportion mistake; I began to wonder why I was so badly holding on to the place. I was procrastinating leaving this place, what started off being the decision to leave earlier on this year, turned into July and was probably going to turn into August.

I had just gotten so comfortable, getting the two incomes(from my two jobs); not having to worry about going for interviews and actually having to face the future and the path I had to take. I was not very sure about what would be next although I was aware that the time to move had come. I didnt think about this being the reason of my procrastination at the time, I just thought, I’ll work for the next five months and save up the money I will need for the interim whilst I wait for God to make His plan manifest.

But that afternoon, as I watched him speak, blanking out on some of the stuff he was saying, I couldn't help but wonder why I endured these bi weekly meetings in which my self esteem would be torn down and I would be reminded how the company did not value me and how no company would ever value me if I continued in “my ways”. This time, there was a difference though, I heard the words, but I did not cry. For that moment, for the first time I was numb and I literally had had enough. I had to take action. For the first time, I got a boldness that I have never had in my life and I spoke out. Given the first time was not perfect (I gave notice for resignation); but that was the start of something new. I had worked so hard in this place, and my prayer to God every morning was that I would add value to the company and be an asset; but my time to move on had come.

An overwhelming sense of relief grasped me as I walked out of his office that day, I felt so triumphant, so free, so light. I felt that this was going to be such a different season for me. The company had become nothing less than a nightmare for me and it was hard for me to actually get up in the morning to go there. I was finally going to face the reality of what God had for me in all its uncertainty. Everyone seemed shocked and kept on asking if I was ok, but for the first time, I was sure about the decision I had made. I was sure that this was the push I needed to get me out of my comfort zone to actually face my future as God needed it to be.

The funny thing about all of this is the fact that I had been praying for boldness, I had prayed that God would make me brave and less afraid to face what I thought was the concept of a daunting unknown future that God had for me. I had walked up the prayer line on the Saturday and said, “I am afraid, please ask God to make me less afraid, to make me brave”. Given at the time I didn't realise that I would get such courage as I had gotten to quit my job. But that is the thing about God, when we earnestly come to Him in our weakness and lay it before Him, He will give us the strength to do what needs to be done in order to move forward even though we don't realise what it is at the time.

Now, although I had some doubts, I am certain of this one thing, I am headed in the right trajectory and no matter how it seems as of now, God has the serenity to bring me through.